Sexual healingSexI am very inexperienced in relationships and have just come out at 31. Should I tell my first sexual partner I'm a virgin, or just struggle through the awkwardness?I am 31, a virgin and have just come out as gay after a long struggle with my sexuality. I've had a few dates but I'm worried about what to tell my first sexual partner, because I am bound to be awkward – even in kissing. I am terribly inexperienced. I don't want to tell too much because I'm worried that I will be seen as a freak, especially in the gay community where everybody seems to be very experienced. Would you suggest total honesty? Or should I struggle through those first awkward times without saying anything?
I recommend you proceed very slowly. Don't expect or force yourself to gain experience quickly – that could cause you problems. Instead, take your time to get to know people to whom you might feel attracted, and pay attention to your feelings, both sexual and emotional. Be sure you are ready to be sexual with whoever you choose as your first lover, and don't allow your anxiety about being a virgin to cause you to make choices you'll regret. Decent human beings will not belittle you for being inexperienced, or coerce you to into doing anything you don't fancy. So look for kind and understanding partners, who appreciate you for things besides sex. Feeling safe enough to trust someone with your history is usually a good sign, but you won't necessarily have to tell people you're inexperienced – they'll probably perceive that. Be safe, and trust your intuition.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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